Why I’ll Survive Frankenstorm

29 10 2012

Today we have been told to prepare for a slamming from what they are calling Frankenstorm (Hurricane Sandy).  School’s cancelled today and anticipating tomorrow too.  Please don’t worry about me though.  Here’s how I am more prepared than my neighbor:

1.  I have multiple kayaks and a canoe in case this is actually a biblical flood

2.  Both Max (my dog) and I have life jackets (sadly, my cat Miles is screwed)

3.  I have four rain barrels full of water and my backpacking water filter….figure I can sell water like that terrible Kevin Costner movie (pauses to wonder what the new currency will be after the storm causes the US government to collapse…..bottle caps? those little plastic things that hold bread bags closed?  Pokemon cards?)

4.  I have two propane tanks and a propane gas stove, liquid gas and a liquid gas stove, firewood and a card issued by the boy scouts that says I am allowed to play with fire 🙂

5.  Cans and cans of beans, tomatoes, and broth……guess Honey Badger will be eating some mutha f ‘n soup this week instead of cobra.  But it’s ok….Honey Badger don’t care.  Honey Badger BAD ASS.

6.  No milk or bread….so I don’t have to worry about any of those bread and milk obsessed nutters robbing me….what the hell is so freakin’ important about bread?  How many adults really eat toast and sandwiches every single day anyway?  Did bread suddenly become the most important life sustaining food?  WTF?  Why aren’t people buying up all the almonds, or canned soups, or preserved meats???  Bread?  Are they going to ride out the storm carbo loading?  And milk?  Seriously?  Don’t even tell me that it’s for your kids.  I know kids.  Their bones will survive if they miss a couple of days of milk.  And my uncle is the only adult I know who still drinks full glasses of milk.  Cereal is great and all, but if it’s the END OF DAYS, have some freakin’ eggs and bacon, pancakes, or waffles for crying out loud.  Treat yourself!

7.  Last time I checked my car could handle 50 mph gusts since it weighs THREE THOUSAND POUNDS!  Not so smug now are we Smart car owners???

8.  I have a protective layer around me that’s called a brick house, and though she’s not built like an Amazon, nor does she make an old man wish for younger days, I am pretty sure I’ll be good against some rain and wind.

9.  No one who ever taunts large storms in long winded emails ever lives to regret it.

10.  Back onto bread….you know how easy it is to make your own bread?  Mix flour and water and some fungi and let the shit have a party for a few hours.  Just when these little microorganisms are getting their civilization started and have divided into red and blue states of their own….shove their entire universe into a 425 degree oven!!!  Guess what you get?  BREAD!